An · Angel · With · A · Dirty · Face

Well Yesterday for the most part sucked.

Work is dumb, and pretty much pointless. There is no money in childcare. The person I work for is really lame. What's bad is we have a good crew up there that gets along wonderfully until the owner walks in. She drives everyone crazy with her stupidity.

I talked myself out of walking out and quiting all afternoon.
I really need the money, Christmas is almost here and I have bought nothing.

Plus soon i'll be investing in a place to live and a new vehicle and It's easier when you have proof of income.

The fact my divorce didn't come through yesterday bothers me.

I want to be divorced by the end of the year so bad. '06 was a terrible year for me. I have high hopes for '07. I'd just like to start it with a clean slate, all the bad behind me.

Dad dipped on me today. He's got to work, as usual. He's always so busy, and when it's not work it's hunting and fishing.

It's raining outside, and it's raining in my head.
rain rain go away come again another day.

I got up this morning. Got ready for work, as usual, got there on time. Just to hear my boss tell me i can't come in for another 6 hours, that she can't afford me. So she's teaching my pre-k class, instead of me. Blah let's cut my hours right at christmas time. So I cleaned out my car and did some errans. Called the ex husband to see how the divorce was coming and he said the judge is sick We have to wait another week, yuk. I'm so ready for it to be over. I hate mondays. Tommorow morning I get to spend with my daddy (step) taking care of some paper work, and i'm taking off friday. SO yeah i'm gonna gripe about hours then take a day off....lol. I got some things to do with my love. I was going to take a day off then decided to break it up into two days so i can get both of them done but now that i'm working in the evenings and the thing love and i have to do is after two i'm just taking the day off...screw 'em i need a new job.

Yeah 21 already married and divorced, how cute does that sound. It wasn't supose to be that way. I met my ex husband May of '03 right before I graduated High School. I was a month shy of 18 and he was 25, divorced with a 2 y/o. (sounds even cuter huh?) We took it slow until That summer. In July I had enough of my mother and moved out. Did it on my own until that next feb. When him and I moved into each other. I went from taking care of me to Taking care of a man and a a baby. Also working on and off mostly child care so I could take his little girl with me and not worry about who was keeping her. May of 05 we were married. Beautiful wedding. I looked great lol. Everything was good, At least that what I told myself. Inside I was misrable, taking care of everything by myself. At four the little girl was reading and writing b/c I had spent so much time with her, she called me mom. I was so wrapped up in them I didn't take care of myself. I got really skinny under 90 lbs (I'm 5ft tall) The ex was distant. Did his own thing alot. Didn't much time with me or his little girl. It was just me and her. In december of o5 we decided to have another one. I wanted kids. Yet i think part of me wanted to to do it to fill a gap, the gap of him not being there and the gap of taking care of everyone else's and not my own. In March, three months into the pregnancy, I miscarried. That day I gave up hope on a lot of things. I didn't eat sleep hardly get out of bed for a while. It messed with my head so bad. From March until June I told my ex I was misrable and if things didn't change I was leaving. He just made me feel stupid. Told me I was imature. That no one will ever make me happy, and I need to get over it. So in june I left. Went to my real dad's house in alabama. Came home a few weeks later. My ex told me he wanted to work it out. That he wanted to try marriage counsoling, but i shouldn't move back in yet. I was too dumb to realize it was b/c he was seeing someone else. Four weeks later we still didn't go to the counsoling, I was staying w/ a friend, and really mad b/c he kept finding excuses why we couldn't go and my life was at a stand still. I went to our home and cryed and yelled and everything stormed out. Went back over there that night to apoligize, he wasn't there (at his g/f's) the next day i called him to apoligize tell him i'd be less stubbern and I wanted it to work, he beat me by telling me he was tired of my shit and we should start seeing other people. I was crushed. A lot of things happended since then. I finally decided to date again. Dating is noooo fun. I'm on b/f number 3 since him. This guy is great. I really think We're going to be together for ever. I'm very scared, and taking it slow, but i've never been this much in love. No one has ever made me feel so complete. So the Divorce I am so ready for. IT has been nothing but bullshit, since that night he completly cut us off. I wasn't in love with him. I cared about him and his little girl and Tried to make it work for them, but i couldn't do it alone. When I lost the baby HE stayed gone all the time left me with the little girl and I just needed him there with me. I decided if we couldn't stick together through the rough patches, he wasn't worth it. So yay me I am almost rid of him. It's really a sad situation, but i'm happier now, healthier, and heavier lol. Wish me luck with my love. If this isn't the way love is supose to feel, I don't know if i could handle the real stuff, he makes me feel too great already.

Yeah It's been a good one. A week of hell at work, yeah i deserved it. My love and I were going to go out friday, but when it all came down to it I was too tired. I told him just give me a bacon cheese burger a bath and a bed. And he did. We stayed at a hotel, b/c both our living conditions suck right now and just some alone time was very much needed. Sat., we pretty much slept all day, looked at some houses, to move into, no luck. That night went out. I got pretty drunk. To say the least. My big brother was there (22). He is so fun drunk, sorta like my mom pretty much intoloratable sober. Things got pretty hot when my bro's friend told my love he I was hot and that i needed to drive him home so he could take advantage of me. I thought love was going to kill him. Idiot ended up apoligizing, and everything mellowed. I told brother bye, he picked me up and told love to take care of me and feed me b/c i'm still too skinny....lol even though i gained 15 lbs...i'm just a small person. Love and I went to our room. As usual I get drunk and wild when we hit the sack and I finally passed out after 3am. Sun looked at more houses still not much luck a couple of prospects though. Went and got my little brother (12) him me and my love went and did some shopping. Mingled w/ the parentals, hung out w/ lovie some more and now i'm home. Missing him and dreading work tommorow. Oh well another week. I'll be fine. I have him. :)

As I previously Stated, We met Sept. 16. I was drunk in a bar..lol. I had been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks, but I just had a weird feeling about him, I felt like it was going no where and I knew nothing about him, So before I went out that night I called him up and asked him where we stood. He told me he didn't think we should get too attatched b/c of his job, and that him and an ex g/f were going to the bar that night. K and I had already decided to go out. So I blew him off from there. It didn't hurt. At that point I didn't let anyone in enough to hurt me. No big deal I was going to go out and have a good time. I was drinking and dancing, and just being silly me all night long. That guy was there I told him hi, and had small conversation and went about my buisness. I wanted to show him, I wasn't heartbroken. I wasn't even mad. No biggie. Late into the night a tall guy came up to me and asked me to dance. And goofy me told him I didn't know to ask K. He asked me why and I told him I was too drunk to tell if he was even cute. She gave him the okay. He learned what a horrible dancer I was and most of the rest was a blur. I do remember giving him my phone number. Laughing at myself b/c it was againts my rules to give random men my phone number in bars. The next night he called. We hit it off. Talked for 8 hours about everything. I was really releived that he was divorced too. lol. We just had so much in common. The next night we went on our first real date. He was doing construction work at the time, so he was home for a few days then gone for a few days. When he was here I wouldn't sleep for days. I'd spend every moment we were not working next to him.(since then he moved here, from two hours away and changed jobs he couldn't stand leaving me.) Everything was perfect, our first date, our first kiss, everything. I fell in love so quickly I was scared. Still am, but I choose to ignore it now. He's everything the rest could be, couldn't be, wanted to be, and couldn't be. I am so in love.

Woke up feeling horrible this morning. Didn't want to open my eyes knew it was going to be a bad day. I am staying with some friends, kinda homeless. (will give background info later) Went to work at a local Day Care. Dealt with my ignorant boss. After missplacing some money I am very broke. I have minimal Gas and a half a ciggerette. Pay Day is Tommorow though. Just make it until I get my check. Talked to my dad (step)He was in a good mood. I miss him and my little brother too much. I saw them Sunday,but I know i should see them more often. I was involved in an accident a few weeks back. A mini van hit my car, and now there totaling it out. blah. Waiting on the money, when dad finds time in his busy schedule to set everything up. Just a normal bad day. Not too bad. I miss my love. This is the first day in a while i havn't seen him. We've been seeing each other since September 16. He's wonderful. I've never felt so good about a person, not even my ex-husband(i'm sure you'll get some background on that too. 21 AND divorced, you know that's a fun story) Well that's my gripes for today. Want to know more about something...ask.

As I write probably from day to day, I am going to back track. Give some background information. If I'm writing about my day it will be dated in the subject. Background info will have a short explaination. Be prepared to be confused. As you figure things out I am also sorting things out in my own head.